5 years ago today

5 years ago today we held you. We rocked you. We sang to you. We kissed you. We talked softly as you slipped away. You sweet baby girl are the reason I am who I am today and I wouldn't change that. Nothing can change what has happened in our past we can only learn from it, move on from it, and grow from it. From you I learned SOOO much. Your death has been the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Maybe someday that will change but I doubt it. Having to make the decision to pull the vent and watch you slip away is something I think any parent would feel is a difficult heart wrenching decision. The peace I eventually found about your death gave me confidence...gave me the confidence to live my life for you and with love. You may have only been here two short weeks but I hope the life you've got to live on the other side with other lost relatives has been well and also full of love. Well lets face it we know you are with Uncle Vaughn so I know your days are filled with smiles and laugther, we may not be together but I know you feel my love...and I feel yours as well.

Thank you baby girl for being here in our lives and shaping me in who I am now :)

Happy Birthday Sweetie

Today 5 years ago I woke up and my waters broke, moments later you were born. Gave a tiny squeal and squirmed with your new freedom. You made us parents and that is something no one can take away from you. 

Mommy I'm afraid has been a little preoccupied with the new baby you sent us with the help of your sister Sage and Uncle Vaughn, so I went the night before to hopefully find a cake that I would like... I found one I LOVE. My little angel/fairy dressed in purple in a garden...perfect. Thank you for making sure there would be something so special for me to find for your special day. 

And this year I finally have a dollie that can wear your dress how you did rust stains from the flood and all...

Merry Christmas Baby Girl

 As always we plucked a child's name from the Angel Tree at Walmart and bought a gift. I choose a baby for your as always :) A little girl, who received some special gifts from us. 

Then you have  your purple tree with your "K" ornament :) And many other special ornaments that go right on our main tree :)

Mommy took the time this year to make each of your baby dolls Christmas hats ;) 

Merry Christmas Sweet Angel.

3 years ago...

3 years ago I woke today in a hotel. It was the morning after one of the toughest, no THE toughest moment of my life. Nothing really compares to holding your baby while they take their last breath. I woke up knowing I was changed forever. I carry with me now an "angel". Do I believe she's in a heaven, no not really. I do however believe that those we love carry in with us...inside us. They need us to remember for them, to live for them. So Kaitlin lives on with us...she's the quiet whisper of inspiration behind every miscarriage blanket and now bracelet. Knowing I can help one other person out there remember their child and to help the child live on with their mommy and daddy's life...is what keeps me going. Is why I keep making and will always make these items.


We send her messages every year...this year our first attempt failed miserably and they are still probably sitting in the trees outside our place.





Emilie decorated her balloon with stickers :)
So we went out and got another one. A combination of hunger and being sick...we picked one from a grocery store...and well the pickings we sort of slim...


But it also sort of reminded me of a friends dear bunny that just passed away a few days ago...so it was fitting :) This one flew ... accept it was dark out so no video of it.

3 years...over.

Celebrating your birthday

So everyone got to see pics of the cake, but this is what INSIDE the cake looked like. I totally put in purple and pink sprinkles. Next year it needs WAY more though :)


Here's little sis enjoying a piece :)

Thank you Grant, Ashley, Ryan, and Tom for coming over and celebrating with us :) Ashley even remembered to wear purple which was pretty special for mommy to see :)

Celebrating Kaitlin's memory is super special and the little things my friends have done have touched me.

I also want to send a thanks out to Brandie and Michelle who sent me pics of the candles they lite on her birthday and sent me pics :)

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Girl

Mommy made you your cake this year. It took her all day but she is happy with the result. And there is a special surprise in the inside...it's purple and pink funfetti cake :)


Your little sister is showing her love by being dressed in purple ofcourse :)


She also insisted after stealing your kitty cat and purple teddy that they needed to be put up on the speaker with your book.



Another year has gone by. Looking at your little dress brings it all back. Angel was perfect size for your outfit mommy was going to bring you home in. So she's going to wear it for awhile.


We hung up Grandma's blanket too for this year. At the end of the two weeks it's going to be packed safely with your things. Mommy hopes someday she has a big house and can leave these kinds of things out all the time.


Here's a close up of Angel in your outfit, along with a candle burning bright.


The dress you wore for one of our favorite pictures.

As always here is your birthday balloon :) A butterfly this year.

Emilie helped this year. She carried the balloon out and even let it go for me :)

Another year may have passed but your will never be forgotten. Mommy made you a new video this year too. Hopefully this one won't get the music taken out of it since the song is free to use for things like these. Know little girl your with me always. Love mommy.

A few new things...

Came across this woman who makes these tiny babies out of molds. Then she customizes them for what you are looking for :) How nice it this! Expect to see this babe crop up alot in Kaitlin's memorial set-ups :)


I also got the a little plaque made with the same tiny babe on it for the wall :) This one will always be out. And it all came in time for her anniversary that is coming in a few days :)



Close up of the plaque.

Merry Christmas Baby Girl :)

Christmas for Kaitlin

So every year since we've lost her Kaitlin has got her own tree. It runs from the time I put it up until Christmas. It's the one light we leave on all night :)

I've gotten the names off the giving tree again a newborn for our sweet angel and a baby for Emilie. Gifts for them are bought and almost ready to go.

This year I intend on adding in the tradition of lighting a candle Christmas morning while we unwrap presents.

Merry Christmas Sweet Baby...hope you stay near this holiday season.

Building of Angel

So I've fallen in love with Build-A-Bear. I so wish I had one of these when I was growing up :) Emilie got her new bunny Peanutbutter and on trip number two we made Kaitlin a special bear. Here we are picking out something to put inside her. She says "I love you" when you press the button in her heart area.


Emilie enjoyed herself :)



Time to bring our little bear to life.


Angel has three hearts inside of her.
One for mommy, one for daddy and one for her sister Emilie.


We both kissed the hearts before they were put inside.


Totally posing since Ashley just couldn't keep up ;)


Giving Angel a cleaning before we move on to dressing her and officially naming her.


Here we are making out her birth certificate. Which we put her birthday as February 7th. Since she is Kaitlin's bear after all.


And here she is :) All pretty and purple. Someday she might even have an angel costume if I like it on her. I have to wait for Christmas.


You may think it's silly to have a bear set aside for a child who will never hug her. But it's these small things that I can do to keep Kaitlin alive and with me. I got to share Kaitlin with my friends the day I made this bear. And now I have something to give hugs to when I miss her. And the little "I love you" always brings a tear to my eye.

2 years

Another year has passed since we first met our baby girl, Kaitlin Terra.
The excitement I felt the first day I saw her is still there in my heart, along with the sadness I feel for what we didn't know was coming in the following days.

We kept the celebration small this year. We bought another cake. Lit another candle, and one will be lite each day until the day she passed. And I laid our her gown and hat.

Her little sister is still a little young to understand and will be for many years, but next year she will be able to participate more in Kaitlin's birthday, this year she just got a little tiny bite for frosting.

We miss you baby girl and will love you always.

Merry Christmas Kaitlin!

Last year Mommy and Daddy didn't decorate the house so there was nothing out to show it was Christmas. We also didn't have your urn out for people to see. We were still adjusting and missing you too much. This year it was different.

Mommy found the sweetest little bib and outfit while out shopping for your sister. She got the outfit but the bib will forever be yours. Santa's Littlest Angel....how fitting :) I also found I had a perfect little tree to put on your shelf. I put batteries in it and it ran 24/7. Your own personal tree, topped with a special ornament your Grammie gave mommy last Christmas. Before we put it away mommy is going to see if Daddy or Uncle Tom can change the colors of the lights inside it :)

Last year Mommy did do something for you, she found these ornaments. One hangs with your pictures on the wall but the other will be put on our tree every year :) Your sister has one just like it too, just this year her's didn't make the tree.

There are also two purple butterfly ornaments that mommy will put on the tree each year. She bought them while visiting Uncle Travis and Aunt Kristi. This year only this one made it there, but we'll get the other one fixed so it can hang too :)
There also is a special angel on the tree that mommy bought last year too. The Angel of Hope.

Merry Christmas sweet baby girl.

It's been a year...

...since we last held our little girl. She will always be missed and always be loved. A friend wrote this for us in Kaitlin's name and I thought it fitting to place it here.

An Angel Speaks

Momma, I wanted to drop you a line
To let you know I'm doing fine

To me the other angels sing,
You've now earned you angel wing.

I look at flowers in the sun
And oh the butterflies are so much fun

For many months you cared for me,
and loved me enough to let me be me.

If you don't already know, this new baby will show,
How wonderful a mother you are.

No need to let me know your doing fine
Cause as an angel, I watch over all of you from nine to nine

So thank you momma for being strong,
Until next time, so long

by: T. Colclough

Kaitlin is turning one...

On Saturday morning at 10:04 am Kaitlin turns one. I've thought so hard on what to do for her, how to honor her memory and how to get through the next two weeks. I wanted to hold a memorial for her, but I can't being pregnant and on bedrest. So I have to do one alone with Jason. But if any of you want to do your own I would love to know about it and have pictures. As her blog will be continuing on through the years.

At 10:04 am this Saturday I will be lighting a purple candle. I have a special candle holder I picked out and i'm impatiently waiting for it to arrive so hopefully it will be here. Since I won't leave a candle burning all night it will blown out before bed and relight each morning for the 14 days she lived. I also am having a special cake made for her on Saturday. On the 21^st Jason and I will release purple balloons with our own messages to her on them. The final candle will be extinguished at 10:08 pm.

I will post pictures of the memorial we did here when I have it all set up. If you are doing one of your own and would like to send the pics please do :) I would love to include them.